|A Well Deserved Night Out and Old Friends.
||[Sep. 28th, 2006|01:24 am]
|||||Dashboard Confessional - Stolen||]|
Sometimes radio-friendly hits like Hoobastank and Avril Lavinge are really your best companions on a bus ride home from a somehow awkward night out.
Tonight felt really TGIF-ish, although its wednesday but having the night off for me has become a rare, precious gem. No pork ribs to serve or Oreo Minty Shakes to blend, but it also brought an urgent issue to my attention.
I have lost ALL my friends.
I have once too often neglected them for work or to pull out a few hours of my hectic yet nevertheless, boring life to pleasure a random guy with blowjobs and handjobs. Rejections to head out for a game of pool or a cuppa coffee have been blurted out of my mouth too many times and my presence has eventually creeped out of their lives.
Its sad, but I can't blame anyone but myself for my own mistake.
Watching myself sitting on the sofa after work, making random phonecalls to people on my phonebook in hope of getting them out of wherever they are to meet me, it was pathetic. I looked pathetic.
I ended up hanging out with P in town, stumped by rejections from many. It was nice to finally catch up with him. I did something I wouldn't exactly term 'unexpected'. I more or less realised when I came out to my friends about my bisexuality, I would need his approval one day.
Maybe 'need' would be too strong of a term, its more of hoping to have his approval because it means quite alot to me. P is a friend who.. hmm.. let's just say if I was a cross he would be a straight and erected tick. He is an extremely devoted Christian, words of Christianity often hangs by his mouth, yet I am the angsty atheist, unable to last a day without condemning Jesus and his 12 really tall dwarves.
And believe it or not, we click pretty well. He laughs to my insults of Christianity and I roll my eyes to his God talk. People who don't know us better perceive me as an insensitive prick but P knows otherwise. Though up till now I don't really believe he has never been bothered by my disturbing remarks about Jolly Jesus.
Anyway, back to the topic.
We were sitting at an al fresco cafe somewhere along the city and I was trying to find the right words and at the same time the right moment to let it rip. And it came pretty sudden, in the middle of a conversation.
"I'm bisexual, ya know?"
It was a short case of silence attack, but P being the guy he has always been quickly saved the incoming awkwardness.
"So which guy do you like?" It was followed by a weak laugh from his part but I looked at his eyes and everything came through. If I was any more tense I would have leaped out of my chair and punch my fist into the air like they always do in Disney channel. But I took it as calmly as he did, surprisingly.
The rest of the night went smoothly, him being cool about the whole thing and me being grateful.
A sour note strung though, when the night started to come to an end. I had this stupid idea of heading down to the airport to meet a few of our other friends, friends I used to hold very close to my heart. But things, as usual, fucked up and now to them I'm just another accquaintance. Sad, but the choice has long been out of my control.
Meeting up with them slowly seemed like a bad idea as the seconds ticked by. It was a feeling of being neglected, this cold vibe I was getting from them. I couldn't relate to the jokes we used to laugh and giggle to before, I couldn't sit beside H without him giving me the disapproving stare. To an extent I'd say it was downright annoying.
Sometimes I wonder if it was worth the humility and trouble to salvage the friendship that I pushed away in the first place. Whether I deserve a second chance, or rather if I want that second chance. I may not be exactly thrilled with what I have now, but at least its something I can comform with.
This, I don't know. And truthfully, I don't really care.